How to surive a breakup, the end of the world and other natural disasters. Part 1

DISCLAIMER: This is satire. I don't mean it, I'm taking the piss (well, almost).

The world was supposed to end in 2012 according to the Mayans, or some clever chap who misread what the Mayans were trying to say, but it didn’t. What did end was a long-term relationship – two and a half years of commitment and love and joy and believe me – that felt worse than the world ending.

(DISCLAIMER: We subsequently got back together but then she really handed me my ass six months later)

When I started writing this I was heartbroken but I slowly came to realise that the only way to deal with it was through humour. I realised that I needed to laugh, so I did. Then I started writing it down. It was slow and painful – in exactly the same way that getting over a break up is but it also helped me to stop feeling sorry for myself and to move on.

Naturally I did some research into how to deal with a breakup. There are facebook groups and support groups on the internet and I think some people (psychologists) even wrote books about it.

It’s all shit.

Some people handle breakups really well. They move on swiftly and carry on with their lives as if nothing happened. Some people like me turn into a blubbering mess. If you’re like me then this is for you. Hopefully you will recognise yourself in some of the (tongue-in-cheek) advice and hopefully it will make you laugh. Not to torture a cliché but laughter really is the best medicine and to be honest it’s not the end of the world, just another chapter in this fucked up, crazy thing called life.

So here goes: My steps for dealing with a break up: Part 1.

Step 1: Crying

Q. When do babies cry?

A. When something is wrong.

Do you know why babies cry? Because they want people to understand how they feel. But adults don’t understand. Crying is perfectly acceptable. Cry in public, cry in the bath, cry in the car while stuck in traffic - it is cathartic and you will purge the demons left in your soul by your evil, conniving ex. Be a big baby because people will tell you they understand but no-one does. No-one. Assholes.

Also if you are going to cry don't be a wimp about it. Do it properly. I mean mucus, spittle, big heaving sighs, salty tears, pulling hair and if you must ... punch shit. There is however a moratorium on crying. Two weeks - then man up.

If you are struggling to cry I suggest you listen to this song repeatedly, as loudly as possible. It will either make you cry because you love it, because it's too long or because you have to look at Lenny.

 

Step 2: Preserving your dignity

Preserving your dignity is overrated. In the real world Mr Darcy (the one in Pride and Prejudice and Bridget Jones Diary) doesn’t get the girl. He just gets some cats and ends up bitter, dying on his lumpy bed of made of money. Alone.

You do not want to end up like Mr. Darcy so instead be Mr Arsy. Get drunk and cry about the long lost love of your life to strangers at a random bar on a Tuesday night.

 

No Mr Darcy, be Mr Arsy

First off the people in the bar on a Tuesday are sure to be leading much sadder existences than yours in the first place. This will have the much needed benefit of making you feel better at the expense of others. And feeling better is your primary goal. 

 

Secondly if you fight too hard to save your dignity you are going to be even more disappointed at yourself when you fall flat on your face. You will drunk dial your ex and tell him or her how much you cannot live without them. You will beg for them to take you back and you will hate yourself in the morning for doing it. Get over it. Shit happens. The sooner you realise that, the better.

 

 Step 3: Self-indulgence.

Yes, your breakup is the worst break up in the history of breakups. Fuck what others think, your world is coming to an end. Revel in it.

Look at this blog – it’s an exercise in self-indulgence. Contrary to what everyone will tell you self-indulgence is good for you. Think about it – you’re indulging in yourself – how can it not be good for you.

Here’s a great tip for making yourself feel better; become an “I” specialist. There are various ways of doing this – the best of course is comparing your break up to that of others. Somewhere along the line you will come across someone else who is going through a breakup – nothing as important as yours (he or she was the love of your life afterall) wait for them to start talking about their breakup and then interrupt them with the following phrase; "When I had my heart broken". This is nearly as cathartic as crying. It won’t make the other person feel better but hey fuck them – it’s self-indulgence not group-indulgence.

 

 

 

More steps to follow.