I have a confession to make.

 

 I suffer from depression. I have for the last eight or nine years. Writing that is akin to saying it out loud for me. it's f@cking scary. I apologise but there really is no other way to descrbe it.

Depression is a funny thing. It can be the most paralysing of feelings - a physical manifestation of an extreme sadness, a darkness which at times can seem all consuming and frightening.

I have struggled with depression and the shame which accompanies it since I sunk into my first real bout of depression years ago. I sometimes refer to it as the great emotional blackout of 2007 - it was grim. Coupled with my depression is the fact that sometimes I don't like myself very much. I beat myself up for every little thing I do wrong and my therapist says it's as if I have created a strict parent who strikes me down everytime I don't live up to the ideal which I have shaped in my head.

The end of my last relationship stirred up a lot of old feelings for me and in the last six or seventh months I have once again struggled with, depression, shame and self-loathing. Some of you might remember the "Great Facebook meltdown of 2012". Well that was really the start of it for me this time around.

Having a friend who has depression is tough. Some of my friends have been phenomenal, supporting me continuously, reminding me what is good in my life and helping to move forward. For some though it can be a bit much and they decide to distance themselves. It's understandable - those who have known me before the depression started  will tell you what a fun loving, happy person I was - and for the most part I am that guy - except when the darkness descends.

It sounds all doom and gloom but in a lot of ways I am lucky as my depression normally comes in bouts. When life is going well and I am happy, truly happy, my depression seems to lift and that is something which I will eternally be greatful for.

There's another reason why I "embrace" my depression - and it's one which you will probably not expect. I think my depression makes me more appreciative of the beauty that life is filled with. It's why I love Pablo Neruda, and sunsets and good food and wine. It's why I can read a line in a book and be struck by it while people think I am being mental. It's why - "I want to do to you what summer does to the cherry trees"is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read and why this is remains to me the three most beautiful minutes in the history of cinema.

For those friends who have listened when I was at my lowest - thank you. To those who have chosen to walk away instead - it's cool, I'll catch you when I'm happy again. We can still hang.