Right where was I? Oh yes steps to survive a breakup.
(Disclaimer: Please don't do this at home. I am taking the piss).
Step 4: Stay away from motivational posters.
And whatever you do don't get one of them tattoed on your body. Trust me on this.
Really Mr Turtle? Really?
If you don't do this you will estrange your friends. Especially the cynical ones who were skeptical about your relationship in the first place. You are going to need the skeptics later. They are the ones who are going to tell you how much they didn't dig your ex anyway. The nice people will tell you how good you guys were together. Nice people suck.
Step 5: Do not take long trips to find yourself.
Are you trying to find yourself? Look in the mirror. There you are. Don't book a three month trip to India to find yourself. You will fall in love with a guy with a jaw like a mid-town bus. Sure he looks good now but in the wrong light . . .
Eeeeeewwwwwww
I know they made a movie about that book about that girl who travels the world to find herself and that Julia Roberts starred in it but do you know what people call that book when Ms Roberts is not looking? Eat, Pray, Love, Get over yourself.
Stop being a sad hippy. People don't like sad people and they sure as hell don't like hippies. You are being both. Get up, go to work, join the rat race, make tons of money, drive to the gym (only if you are already a member. See Step 6) to run on a treadmill while staring at white wall, buy a new wardrobe, do anything ... but go on a journey of self-elightenment. Read this sentence: I travelled half-way around the world to find myself. Don't you just want to ask: "Why? Were you lost? You should have just looked in the mirror and saved yourself all that time and money."
Step 6: Do not take up a new hobby or cause.
Are you serious? Do you really want to inflict yourself on a new group of people? Or even worse have a new group of people inflicted on you. What are the chances of "bookclub" being a coven of witches? Pretty high if you ask me.
Bookclub? Um ... no thanks
This includes joining a gym. The reasons for this are many but there are two main ones which will destroy your life. The first is simple. If you are not already a member you will be the new fat girl or guy for at least three months. People who have been gym members for a while will smell that you have just been dumped. They will whisper about you when you are not looking and they will discuss your chubby body in the locker room while they rub oil into their perfectly sculpted, naked torsos. Bastards.
The second reason is simple. You will end up looking like this:
You will not be able to help yourself. Your obsession to make yourself look better in act of revenge on your ex will lead to you morphing your body into something that looks like midgets on steroids fighting in a giant orange peel. WTF? Douchebaggery: Stay away from it.
Disclaimer: I think this bears repeating. I don't mean a lot of what I say in this blog post. You want proof? Here's a picture of the tattoo of a motivational saying on my arm.
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