How to survive a breakup, the end of the world and other natural disasters: Part 4

This post is dedicated to the worst thing to happen to breakups ever. Ryan Gosling.  I know the majority of my female friends will attack me for being insensitive or even jealous but this is for them more than anyone else. They are his biggest victims. I only write this because I love them.
 (DISCLAIMER: Satire, maybe with a hint of jealousy mixed in.)

Step 10: Ryan Gosling movies:

Whatever you do, do not see a Ryan Gosling film while you are going through a breakup. This rule applies whether you are male of female.  He is the average man's kryptonite. He is the false idol at whose feet broken-hearted women praise. Ryan Gosling is the devil.

Ryan Gosling... the devil



 

Here is a link to every film Ryan Gosling has ever starred in. Don't look at the pictures. They will steal your soul. http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0331516/

 

This is a blanket warning. Don't risk watching anything he has ever done if you are still mourning the death of your relationship. Don't believe me? Try it. It will take you a week to recover. An hour and 30 minutes of Gosling and you will crawl under the covers searching for solace in the dark. You will only emerge to go to the bathroom or to feed your inexplicable need for popcorn and chocolate and vanilla ice-cream. Light will hurt your eyes, water will sting your skin. You will not cry - instead your soul will scream silently for hours on end and eventually you will develop a nervous twitch which will be with you for the rest of your life. Ryan Gosling is the devil.

 

Any movie in which Ryan Gosling appears has the potential to ruin your life but there are two in particular which you need to give a wide berth.

The first and the worst is the Notebook. Never in the history of mankind has there been a more unrealistic portrayal of love, pain and suffering. This movie was the beginning of the end of dealing with a breakup successfully.

 

 

The Notebook ... the beginning of the end

 

Women pined, men vomited. Women fawned, men scratched their eyeballs out with ballpoint pens. The ideological split between men and women over the the challenges which relationships can overcome  threatened to rip the very fabric of society. This however was not the worst side-effect of this "love" story. No, the worst was the expectations created between the breakuper and the breakupee - the dumper and the dumpee if you will.

The amount of shit dumpers could dump on dumpees and then still expect to be taken back reached epidemic proportions. In short they started taking the piss. Leaving you for someone else, coming back, leaving again and then going bat-shit crazy in your old age were now the norm.

 

Old and bat-shit crazy... acceptable



 

Ryan Gosling destroyed the rights of all dumpees across the world when he made The Notebook. Ryan Gosling is the devil.

 

The second film which weilds an unearthly power to destroy relationships is Crazy, Stupid, Love. There are two reasons for this. The first is that he gave women the false perception that douchebags are nice guys underneath all the sexist, male chauvinist bullshit. All over the world the nice guys were getting shafted again and assholes who walked up to women in bars and asked if they found them attractive started scoring.

  

Here are some quotes from Jacob, Gosling's character in Crazy, Stupid, Love.

 

"The war between the sexes is over. We won the second women started doing pole dancing for exercise."

 

"I'm going to help you rediscover your manhood. Do you have any idea where you could have lost it?"

 

This dude gets the girl.

 

The second  reason this movie is bad for dealing with a breakup is the fact that Gosling takes his top off.

 

Ryan Gosling is the devil.

 

Fuck you Ryan Gosling. Fuck you very much.

 

 

(DISCLAIMER: I have never met Ryan Gosling and it's very possible that he is a very nice guy.)