How to survive a breakup, the end of the world and other natural disasters. Part 3

Right in part 1 and part 2 we dealt with the do's and don'ts of a breakup when you have not seen your ex. But there is a situation which leaves us all waking up in the middle of the night covered in sweat - the unplanned accidental public meeting.

Why does this shit always happen in a bar or nightclub? Why do you never bump into your ex coming out of the vetinary clinic or at mdmight at the 711 when he or she is feeding their depression inducing sugar rush? That would be fair but life is not fair, it's a bitch.

If you can avoid this situation do so at any cost. Nothing good can come of it. You are not ready to see him or her. You will turn into a drivelling mess or get drunk and throw up all over yourself. And then you will have to start this shit all over again. Who wants that? But if you walk into a place and he or she is there, keep your cool, nod a salutory hello and then hightale it the fuck out of there. If you are with those annoying friends who will make a scene if you try to leave and you end up having to stay, here are some tips on how you can keep your dignity.

Step 7: Dancing.

For the love of everything that is holy if you can't dance DON'T.  I know you think you look this...

But the reality is you actually look this ...

Turn around, stop it! Everyone is laughing at you

 

FFS stop it. You are not only embarrassing yourself, you are embarrassing your friends as well. You know the ones who chose you over her. Don't do that to them - you'll give them a reason to leave. You will also ruin any chance of any of the friends who chose her over you coming over to side.

 

Exception to the rule: If he or she is on a date. Then... bust a move! Get fucking jiggy with it. Do the hustle. I mean go all out, pull faces, pull muscles, do so many crazy moves people stop what they're doing and make a circle around you and start clapping and cheering.

 

Be this person:

 

 

Bust a mutherfuckin move!

 

 

Why spare yourself any dignity? If he or she is on a date already they never loved you anyway. So fuck it. Be yourself!

 

Step 8: Drinking.

 

This is a tough one. You don't want to not drink because people will think you are an alcoholic - and he/she will think you were so into her that you turned into an alcoholic when he/she left you. Self-absorbed cretin. 

 

Moderation is key - get happy drunk but don't get fucked drunk.

 

So go here...

 

 

 

 

Not here...

 

 

 

 

Exception to the rule: If he or she is on a date. Then all bets are off. Then you can drink as if they are running out of booze across the world. If you can find a bath or jacuzzi filled with booze - dive into it.  Go swimming in an ocean of booze. Go Baywatch - get David Hasselhof drunk.

 

 

The Hof...still got it

 

Why spare yourself any dignity? If he or she is on a date already they never loved you anyway. So fuck it. Be yourself!

Step 9. Talking to him or her.

Don't. Just fucking trust me. Don't.

Exception: Ifhe or she is on a date. Then here is what you do. Find the most attractive person in the bar/nightclub. Siddle up to them (that's like walking but sexy) and then ask them this question at the top of your voice. "Would you like to bone?"

One of two things will happen. You are either going to bone. Sometimes hot people will bone average looking people. It happens. Please lord tell me it happens.

Two: You will get a reaction out of your ex. This is the reaction you want.

 

But this is the reaction you are more likely to get.

Just so we are clear. Neither of the people in this picture is you... one is your ex.

 

But fuck it. If they are already on a date...

 

DISCLAIMER: A conversation I had with a friend today about how I feel and deal with feelings led to me asking some questions about why I am writing these things. Partly I think its helping me deal with my breakup, partly its to write, just write but mostly, I think, it's remind all of us just how silly the shit is we put ourselves through when we go through breakups.