This ... is 2014 baba!

I have two major confessions to make. The first is that I stole this picture. The quote is from a motivational speaker named Eric Thomas. He is also known as the Hip Hop Preacher. I have been listening to clips of his work for a while now. I am not like the rest of you. I need to listen to motivational speakers because I struggle to motivate myself.

The second confession I have to make is that I had a bad week, last week and lost sight of my goals for this year. I fell back into behaviour patterns that I want to change including beating myself up psychology for doing just that. But, they say, that if you really want to make a change in your life you can't simply give up at the first hurdle you face. I nearly did. I nearly forgot that I want to be better this year.

I have started writing quite a few blog posts in the last month but the majority of them have ended up on the scrapheap. Too much rambling, not enough substance: they have all been characterised by this flaw.

Then bam - a shit weekend. Well a shit night anyway. And I failed. I failed to live up to the promises I had made to myself at the start of the year. Not all of them, just a few.

Then I remembered something.

This ... is 2014 baba! Twenty-thirteen was last year.

Some people believe that if you really want something, part of getting it, is speaking it into existence.

If you want to something to happen, you have to say it is going to happen. I think it is a teaching which is common to a lot of belief systems.

ET says this but he has caveat - only speak it once, then shut up. Then do it.

So here it is. I am going to say it once and then I am going to shut up.

This is what I am going to do to make my life better. This is what I am going to do to make myself better.

*****

Let go of the past: It's gone. It can't be fixed. Stop obsessing about it. This is probably the hardest thing I will do all year.

I am an emotional hoarder. No more of it. Let it go. Let go of the rejection you felt. Let go of the self-doubt that comes from that mistake you made. Let go of the anger that comes from not getting what you want. You are human. You have and will make mistakes. Not letting go of these things will bind you to your past and prevent you from finding your future. Trust me, I know.

Forgive yourself.

Do what makes you happy: Enough of doing the things that you think people want you to do. Resign from that stupid committee if it adds nothing to your life and instead puts unnecessary pressure on you. Feel like checking in at the gym EVERYTIME you are there? Do it. Like someone who people tell you is out of your league or who will never like you back? Screw it - maybe they are wrong.

I am typing my letter resigning from the complex's board of governors today. I don't need people slipping rude notes under the door of my home, disturbing my solace. It no longer makes me happy, so it is gone.

In my last year at university I used to wake up every morning and put Frank Sinatra's greatest hits on blast. I used to dance around in my towel in the lounge before I got dressed and hit lectures. It used to make me happy. I am going to do that again.

Also, I am going to write poetry this year. A lot of it will be bad, very, very bad. Sorry.

Change your behaviour: If you want different results you have to do things differently. I realised that - to great personal expense - last year.

I'll explain. I met this amazing woman and after months of trying, we finally got to a point where we decided to see what would happen if we explored things.

So we went on a few dates. Then on date three (of this particular sequence of dates) I did what I always do and got distracted. It was December, everyone was partying and I didn't want to miss out. So instead of prioritising her, I prioritised the jol. Doos manoeuvre.

We went for sushi, I had to have a little lie down in the restaurant because of my monster hangover and by the time we got to her front gate we had gone from kissing, holding hands and looking Kentridge drawings to: "I think we should just be friends".

I won't lie, it was pretty kak.

I had a long hard think after that and I realised that, while I dig the jol, it has to come second when I dig someone more.

So I am doing things differently. I am putting the jol second - bugger that - I am putting the jol third, because if I don't I will perpetually be where I am now - trapped between looking at Kentridge drawings and wondering what if.

I miss her. I should tell her.

Just be positive: Let's not lie, I bitched a lot last year. I got into a space where the entire world was against me - at least in my head - and I couldn't see a way out of it all. To say that I reached an all-time low emotionally is no stretch. Not this year.

This year I am going to try to be irritatingly positive. I am upgrading myself every day. I am training my mind and my body to be the best possible version of me.

While I am at it I am going to take things a lot less seriously. This blog has been an exercise in self-indulgence for a while now. Enough already: More stuff about dresses and about being grateful.

Things will go wrong this year but its how you deal with them that matters. This year there will be no more feeling sorry for myself and no more relying on what others think of me as a measure of my happiness.

I choose to be happy and I will work at being that every day. If I forget, remind me.

Build a passion project: I have friends in Cape Town who built a passion project and now it's a business and they are starting to reap the rewards. I get the feeling however, that when they built the Wonderland Collective it was motivated by love and not necessarily ambition. Now that passion is their everyday life. Imagine the joy of actually doing what you love, every single day of your life. Sounds dope.

I have this idea for a mentoring and writing programme for young, black male writers in South Africa. It's really in its infancy and I still need to write a plan for it but the idea would be to provide a safe environment where aspiring writers in schools in impoverished areas can share their ideas. They will be mentored by black men who are published in various formats and these writers will talk to them about the things which affect them the most. Hopefully it will help them tell the stories that they think no-one wants to hear. Now to build it.

Smile, breathe, be happy... This is my mantra. I used to say it a lot last year but if I am honest I never really lived it. This year I will.

So that's it. I said it and I have spoken it into existence. Now I must do it. Talking is just the first step.

If you have made resolutions or big plans for 2014 you need to realise that people will expect you to fail. Some people will mock you; some people will place barriers in your way - consciously or subconsciously. I am under no illusions that my happiness and realising my goals is going to be very hard work. If anything last week showed me that. The funny thing is that this year I am ready to do the work, because Lord knows I cannot afford another 2013, and neither can you.

This ... is 2014 baba!

DISCLAIMER: I promised Whaley I would send him my stuff to edit. Whale I will send the next one, promise. Also I have a whole lot of other shit I plan on doing but I didn't want to bore you with it. This is just the important stuff.