I call her Wonder Woman and she calls me Superman. At least we used to.
*******
I knee jerked this morning. I unfriended someone. I never, ever do that. Even if we argue like cats and dogs I won't do it. But to be honest it was the next logical step in self-preservation for me following two weeks which were characterised by mis-communication, bad advice, insecurity and misgivings. I regretted it as soon as I hit the button. It was impulsive and not really something I had decided on doing until I saw her name on my screen. Like I said I regretted it immediately.
I'm jumping the gun. Let's go back a few steps. A while ago I met a really amazing woman, we really just started out as friends but that quickly grew into an attraction and then a complete and utter stuff up of one night together.
Then months later we tried again - the sushi debacle. Cue four or five months later and a third try. I was skeptical. I had been burnt twice and to be honest even thinking about it stung too much.
Somehow, however, we ended up trying again - but in that wholly adult but fucking batshit scared way of doing things. We decided to take it slow and get to know eachother.
I am not going to divulge details, but for a while it all went bloody swimmingly.
Then I was sent away for work, we had a fight and the fantasy came crashing down.
That was three weeks ago and the final conclusion of it all came last night when after a week of trying to figure out what she wants, she realised, again, that it wasn't me.
To be honest I freaked out a little bit in the middle there and perhaps pushed a little harder than I should have. It fucking sucks.
I don't even know how it happened. What should have been a simple boy likes girl, girl likes boy back situation, turned into a complicated shitstorm of "who knows what the hell is going on?"
Somewhere along the line - way before the waters turned murky - she started calling me Superman and I started calling her Wonder Woman. It just seemed apt. Perhaps we were both creating these fantasy versions of eachother that neither one could live up to. Perhaps it was foreshadowing, everyone knows Wonder Woman and Superman don't end up together.
****
Last night as I lay on the couch in an unfamiliar room, again posted away for work, reading messages I was expecting to come all week, a calm descended on me. It lasted for about 15 minutes but in that moment of clarity I just accepted it.
So much shit had happened, even before we tried this in the first place. So much presumption and mistrust from both sides and way too much interference from people who had no idea what was happening and which in the end just led to a mess which neither of us could possibly untangle.
Fifteen minutes later I was mad as hell and wanted to break everything in sight but thank God for those 15 minutes of clarity.
Even now I am not sure what I believe. Some things just don't add up and not one person said anything positive about the situation we were in. A part of me wonders if that even matters. The majority of me feels that it does, but there is that naive, romantic side of me that thinks the only thing that matters are the hours we did spend together without any pretense. The hours where we both let our guards down.
I know she is not real (Wonder Woman), that she is an imagined perfection but crisis I am pretty sure that at least once she was real, not a figment of my imagination.
I have to believe that, that vulnerability she showed when we were alone was not an act. I can't believe, that all the cynics are right, that it was all a show, that it meant nothing. Like a kid who believes in Santa Claus, for some reason, a part of me has to believe in Wonder Woman.
*****
DISCLAIMER: Of course I am mad as hell at being railroaded again, but the worst part is I also had to stop following Kim Kardashian on Facebook. She looks like KK, except, she is much, much prettier. And yes, I am serious, no more KK.
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